Chapter 13. 5 lessons I got from having complicated decision-making process

I used to be brave.

I used to be optimistic, and I used to be a risk-taker.

I was constantly back and forth, wishing I got a clearer answer from someone else. I asked and discussed my problem and what I was looking for, yet no answer satisfied me. I was expecting, just like someone would offer me a brilliant yet pertinent clue. I know it was not theirs; I was the one who could not believe a single thought. Too afraid and unsure about my decision, I ran from it and sought others instead. 

Personal photo: a tranquil winter evening

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It has been a while since I spilled my idea here in the blog. Life was a roller coaster these past months. I was even surprised by how I reacted and could not do anything about it. However, now I am ready to share several points I have learned during my ups and downs. 

First, do not let too many options. 

I made a big mistake by adding too many alternatives and became overwhelmed. My tendency to plan perfectly and avoid failure leads me to overconsider anything. Starting from where I will end up after my master's graduation, my career track, and even who I want to become. Plan A-Z had been made to avoid any single misstep, but I was devastated by how I had difficulty making the correct choice when everything seemed radiant, appeared to be the best option, and feared missing out. 

Second, be honest.

Hiding something from someone is an inappropriate thing to be done. Even if it is not a sin, being honest about yourself is better than mocking anything to please someone. I reflected on this from my experience when I could not convey my true feelings and intention to my supervisor to go out and explore something new. I did that cause I gave my supervisor false hope at that time, I wanted to keep my place beside my supervisor, and I nodded to everything to maintain good connections. But... I was completely lost. 

I learned that I must live my life for me, not for someone else. I was saying yes to every beg I got from someone, hoping I would not upset them. Nonetheless, I felt empty within my heart. Something was lost and drained cause I did not want bad tension in my surroundings. Honest is the priceless thing that we have. Sometimes, being honest will sacrifice something in return, from losing an opportunity, losing someone, and even trust. However, it relieves what has burdened me. 

Third, never look back at the past and move forward.

To let things leave behind is another level of sacrifice. Regret will always be something I want to avoid; thus, I make any plan as perfect as possible. Still, I am unsure whether my choice is correct, making me consider what I have done and think the dismissed choice was even better. I kept looking back at my past, hoping to redo anything. Perhaps the way I overthink is cause I do not easily want to forget the past. In the view of making a decision, it is a bad idea to look back, but generally speaking, it helps me to always contemplate myself. 

Fourth, never blame anything, not even yourself.

I decided something was for my own sake. I also believe that someone should care about him/herself first. Any outcome resulting from our decision is merely because we had no choice. Everyone has it, and nothing bad about making decisions, putting something aside, and not making others the first priority. I felt guilty, sorry, and ashamed when I decided to leave and gave false hope to my supervisor. However, my colleague comforted me with a rational statement: "Everyone will have their options, and eventually, you will be one of their options." After all, we can not avoid hurting someone with our decisions, but trust yourself that you are not doing something bad. It is just the way tough decision-making feels. 

Fifth, trust your gut feeling. 

Maybe hearing suggestions from my friends is relieving and comforting cause we have feedback passively without thinking hard. I used this approach to help me out of my convoluted issues. Unfortunately, I did not find any legitimate solution. I followed one suggestion, but I winded up confused. Then, I followed another, and I became lost! I did not want any direction from others but wanted to be helped. At this moment, I just follow my gut feeling to get the best outcomes. Any result that comes with it, I strongly believe, is the best way to pave the path. Moreover, I need to return to my life principle as soon as possible and rewind it. 

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Who says adulthood is better and a golden stage of life. I would argue that. But I will say adulthood is an interesting storyline where any emotions meet and make us stronger. Becoming an adult will be a stage of nonstop decision-making, overthinking, and careful consideration. I once experienced a moment where I almost did not recognize myself again due to being completely emotionally empty. From this point of moment, I have 5 things to remember, which are to stay on a few options, better express honesty earlier, be confident about our decision, put yourself first, and trust your heart.